Friday, 15 May 2015


(I don't normally pass on second hand stuff but I thought this was rather good.  I hope you agree.)

To the citizens of the United States of America from Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II

In light of your failure in recent years to nominate competent candidates for President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately. (You should look up 'revocation' in the Oxford English Dictionary.)

Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (except North Dakota, which she does not fancy).

Your new Prime Minister, David Cameron, will appoint a Governor for America without the need for further elections.

Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.

To aid in the transition to a British Crown dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:


1. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'colour,' 'favour,' 'labour' and 'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters, and the suffix '-ize' will be replaced by the suffix '-ise.' Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. (look up 'vocabulary').


2. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as ''like' and 'you know' is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. There is no such thing as U.S. English. We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take into account the reinstated letter 'u'' and the elimination of '-ize.'


3. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.


4. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not quite ready to be independent. Guns should only be used for shooting grouse. If you can't sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist, then you're not ready to shoot grouse.


5. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. Although a permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.


6. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left side with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.


7. The former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling gasoline) of roughly $10/US gallon. Get used to it.


8. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.


9. The cold, tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager. South African beer is also acceptable, as they are pound for pound the greatest sporting nation on earth and it can only be due to the beer. They are also part of the British Commonwealth - see what it did for them. American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine, so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.


10. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters. Watching Andie Macdowell attempt English dialect in Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having one's ears removed with a cheese grater.


11. You will cease playing American football. There is only one kind of proper football; you call it soccer. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies).


12. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. You will learn cricket, and we will let you face the South Africans first to take the sting out of their deliveries.


13.. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.


14. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due (backdated to 1776).


15. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 p.m. with proper cups, with saucers, and never mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes; plus strawberries (with cream) when in season.

God Save the Queen!


Abby said...

Ha Ho, Jolly good! (that's a thing,right?) Hail to the queen, good to see that Liz has a fine sense of humo(u)r.
Although the "Congress and the Senate will be disbanded..." Can we do that one for reals?

Rock Chef said...

Abby - Yes, I thought the Congress and Senate bit would get some approval! And I can see that you are already becoming more British! Except we don't say "for reals". That is bad form. :-)

lotta joy said...

Are Americans allowed to leave comments? Right-o Guvnor! I noticed the heir's spare has an odd shaped that allowed?

ShadowRun300 said...

"Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed." Funny!
But do I really have to give up baseball? Other than having a "World" Series, it's not that bad, is it?

terri said...

I'm looking forward to incorporating "bloody hell" into my conversations!

Andie MacDowell didn't nail the English accent in Four Weddings? I didn't notice. I guess I was too busy listening to Hugh Grant. LOVED that movie!

And THANK YOU for reinstating the proper spelling of doughnut! That has made me crazy for years. (Just ask my therapist!)

Really, this all sounds pretty good to me, except the fact that I'll have to let my son know that his family will be shedding their American citizenship, while he retains his as a North Dakotan. Hey, at least we'll be able to say we're international travelers now!

Rock Chef said...

Lotta Joy - a strange forehead and/or nose is a sign of good royal breeding. They used to see haemophilia as a sign of exceptional breeding too, but decided it was not really a good thing.

ShadowRun - you can keep baseball, but have to call it Rounders and take it much less seriously.

Terri - Four Weddings was a good film. I never realised that the woman was supposed to be English at all! Not sure why they picked on ND, hope the border guards aren't too rough!

agg79 said...

I am ok with getting rid of Congress and the Senate - they've been wasting our time and money for years. Does that mean our judges will have to start wearing powdered wigs?

And Hollywood does occasionally hire a true English actor - they just play the villain so well.

Rock Chef said...

Agg79 - of course, the wigs to without saying. How can you take your judges seriously when they don't dress the part? I agree with you on the villain thing...

Riot Kitty said...

Where was she during the Bush administration?

Rock Chef said...

Riot Kitty - Hey, we liked Bush!